i am made of memories

i am made of memories 

when cold hands touch mine,

i remember Mama's frosty arms on September 30th 

when i see my sister cry,

i remember shushing her screams on January 9th 

when i hear someone sneeze,

i remember my Poppy's last breaths on October 17th

when my friends say i bet you...

i remember Dad's pleads to Mama to stay away from Atlantic City on countless dates

when my stomach grumbles,

i remember rinsing my mouth from the taste of vomit on October 31st

when cop cars and ambulances pass me, 

i remember an echo saying deceased on September 30th

when the mirror doesn't show me what i want to see,

i remember Daniel's kisses and squeezes on July 22nd

when the shower gets too warm,

i remember how much i shook when i knew he'd say goodbye on August 15th

moments turn into memories turn into minutes again 

call me bloodhound

put a bounty on emotion

i'm looking for something to hunt

i need more than $1 pills 

and hugs given in half-hearted sentiment 

i'd sniff out 

the pride from making my dad smile

the chills from learning torah

the euphoria from reading that book

the heat from that guy between my legs 

the rightness from choosing the best words in the best order

call me bloodhound

you're a part of the dusk

you're a part of the dusk

where the 

dark

comes from the 

light 

where i r.i.p.

the rabbi's mouth moves/ i can't make out what he says/ but then/ your name/ sweet, melodious, glittering/ Yocheved/ G-d's glory/ my glory too/ my lips curve upwards/ and i feel thirty pairs of eyes on me/ i'm not allowed to smile anymore/ i forgot/ oh/ i hope i don't forget you/ already your face is foggy/ your voice a breath lost to the wind/ murky memories/ bat Mendel Eliezer the rabbi's voice fills my head/ that's right/ you were also a daughter/ not only mine/ you had a life before me/ i never really cared about it until now/ i'm cursed like cain/ to wander this earth, alone/ and to wonder/ what was your favorite book?/ how old were you when you lost your virginity?/ how will i know when i've found the right guy?/ did you really like my writing?/ you always said you were proud of me, but were you really?/ v' Sarah Channah the rabbi says/ and i hear a ghastly howl follow/ it echoes in my mind as i look towards your mama/ she's not your mama anymore/ she's not my grammy anymore/ she is an ocean of despair and all that it encompasses/ blue eyes replaced by monsoons/ sirens struggle to be free of her grasp/ her anguish is enticing/ is she a siren?/ was that scream her song?/ well, now it is/ you begin to move/ no/ that is not you in there/ that is just flesh/ your fire lives in me/ i can feel it storming inside me/ each breath i take roaring it into existence/ the eyes are on me again/ oh/ i'm screaming/ i really don't want to say goodbye/ to the body that nourished me/ to the hands that held mine/ to the chin and chest you gave me/ i am my grammy's granddaughter/ i am a tempest/ G-d/ now kind eyes stare at mine/ rest in peace shatters me/ the shards that remain fall into a deep sleep/ where i r.i.p.

A Daily To-Do List

Don’t leave your family- blood is thicker than water. Don’t think too much. Don’t be dramatic. Don’t question the people who love you most. Don’t apologize- just do. Don’t dream too big. Remember, bad things happen to everyone. Don’t overthink. Take time, but not too much time. This happened for the better, even if you can’t see it right now. You will get through this- you have to- if not you, then who? Don’t make things harder than they have to be for yourself. Focus on things that make you happy. Don’t keep to yourself- but don’t make the people with the long, white lab coats come. Share your feelings- only to the people who will receive your feelings properly. Don’t cause more trouble for yourself. It may seem like your life is falling apart right now, but it’s not. Focus. Maybe even count. Tap your forehead 3 times, then your cheeks, then your chin, then your shoulders. Relax. Breathe.

Inhala, exhala.

Inhala, exhala.

Remember, don’t trust everyone because some people could think you’re crazy. Put yourself in other people's shoes. Don’t be selfish. Don’t be so negative all the time- but definitely share when you need to. Stop being so dramatic. Don’t eat too much- you need to keep a flattering figure for the men. Don’t forget to do the dishes. Don’t forget to vacuum. Don’t forget to wash the tables. Don’t forget to help out around here. Have fun. Be young. Get over it. Overcome it. Don’t be a smart ass. Don’t you dare talk back. Be respectful. Be appreciative. Think about what you did to have made them say that. Don’t blame others. Don’t obsess. It’s okay to think but don’t speak. Don’t confront the ones who’ve hurt you most- you’ll get nowhere. G-d doesn’t give you what you can’t handle.

this world can't contain me

this moment can't contain me 

although her waxy skin and 

the stale air threaten to 

make me as still as her

as stuck in this moment as she will always be

this world can't contain me

because my skin burns 

and my heart is a star 

that threatens to explode

and if i burn she's coming with me

this moment can't contain me 

but her smile and 

her hands closed together

make me want to stay and

oh this grief will be the end of me

this world can't contain me 

because she's dust now 

and she took my ashes 

with her to remind me 

that we'll be together eternally

Do you think I could destroy the stars?

"Do you think I could destroy the stars?"

"What?"

"I know I can't kill G-d but do you think I could kill the stars?"

"Why would you want to?" 

"For aligning the way they do." 

"Oh. I-"

"You've never thought about it, huh?"

"No."

"You're blessed then."

"And you're what? Cursed?"

"Yeah, with having to wonder if I can fuck with nature somehow so it stops fucking with me."