this moment can't contain me
although her waxy skin and
the stale air threaten to
make me as still as her
as stuck in this moment as she will always be
this world can't contain me
because my skin burns
and my heart is a star
that threatens to explode
and if i burn she's coming with me
this moment can't contain me
but her smile and
her hands closed together
make me want to stay and
oh this grief will be the end of me
this world can't contain me
because she's dust now
and she took my ashes
with her to remind me
that we'll be together eternally
wow this is sooooo fun to read. I love the repeated line "this world can't contain me" showing that you own your life so boldy. The closing of this poem actually made my jaw drop it was so well written. The only suggestion I would make is saying your repeated line in the opening stanza right now you have moment there which is great but all the other lines match. Either way this is so awesome great job.
ReplyDeleteCan we do this one for workshop on Monday?
ReplyDeleteI loved the emotion pouring out of this poem. I really felt it in my heart while reading it. I loved how you incorporated so much texture to the poem, it just adds to the emotion and the reader being able to feel what you've written.
ReplyDeletethis is so beautiful. i love the refrain and how it changes meaning with the stanzas. i also love how the last refrain was different altogether. you did a great deal of showing in this poem; i felt like i was sitting in on the moments you described here. this poem is so raw and gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteI think this is such a beautiful poem. You have such a mastery of imagery I really felt like I could see so many details of this poem. I also like how you made everything in the feminine, its a little different but I thought it was very cool. I especially love the ending and the reference to "ashes to ashes, dust to dust" its just such a subtle and gorgeous way to conclude.
ReplyDelete