mourning

there's a primal shift that occurs  

when something of yours is stolen 

a stillness takes over you

and makes you wonder if this is death

well, yes

it is death that has taken who belongs to you

but no,

that stillness is not your breath or beat

that's your rage warring with hopelessness

that's the carpet being ripped out from under you

that's your light being extinguished

that's the hope being torn from your heart

it's worse than death

at least what was your is in peace

so i let the pain become me

it was easier to feel the pain.

it was comforting to feel my hands drip with sweat. 

it was grounding to feel my body shake. 

it was refreshing to feel my lungs collapse. 

it was soothing to feel my tears fall.

it was a bitch to think. 

thinking of you breathless. 

thinking of how it happened. 

thinking of what comes next.  

thinking of you lost forever. 

so i let the pain become me. 

once upon an august

I remember having a distant dream... 

of white drops falling on my cheeks

and of crackling heat at my ears;

of my head crowned by soft feathers,

of shivers dancing along my spine 

and passion pooled in my belly. 

and the darkest part was a firmness 

I'd feel at my back.

a steely support that held me together,

yet I could never turn to see.

until once upon an august...

when I smelled something so sweet

and delightful.

I followed the spice and 

fell into the dream 

where I could finally see 

a river of honey staring at me.

a pair of lips followed

and parted, 

"hi, darling".

a voice to wake me from my slumber,

a voice that calls me to 

remember the dream

and to live it,

and to write it here. 

i am made of memories

i am made of memories 

when cold hands touch mine,

i remember Mama's frosty arms on September 30th 

when i see my sister cry,

i remember shushing her screams on January 9th 

when i hear someone sneeze,

i remember my Poppy's last breaths on October 17th

when my friends say i bet you...

i remember Dad's pleads to Mama to stay away from Atlantic City on countless dates

when my stomach grumbles,

i remember rinsing my mouth from the taste of vomit on October 31st

when cop cars and ambulances pass me, 

i remember an echo saying deceased on September 30th

when the mirror doesn't show me what i want to see,

i remember Daniel's kisses and squeezes on July 22nd

when the shower gets too warm,

i remember how much i shook when i knew he'd say goodbye on August 15th

moments turn into memories turn into minutes again 

call me bloodhound

put a bounty on emotion

i'm looking for something to hunt

i need more than $1 pills 

and hugs given in half-hearted sentiment 

i'd sniff out 

the pride from making my dad smile

the chills from learning torah

the euphoria from reading that book

the heat from that guy between my legs 

the rightness from choosing the best words in the best order

call me bloodhound

you're a part of the dusk

you're a part of the dusk

where the 

dark

comes from the 

light 

where i r.i.p.

the rabbi's mouth moves/ i can't make out what he says/ but then/ your name/ sweet, melodious, glittering/ Yocheved/ G-d's glory/ my glory too/ my lips curve upwards/ and i feel thirty pairs of eyes on me/ i'm not allowed to smile anymore/ i forgot/ oh/ i hope i don't forget you/ already your face is foggy/ your voice a breath lost to the wind/ murky memories/ bat Mendel Eliezer the rabbi's voice fills my head/ that's right/ you were also a daughter/ not only mine/ you had a life before me/ i never really cared about it until now/ i'm cursed like cain/ to wander this earth, alone/ and to wonder/ what was your favorite book?/ how old were you when you lost your virginity?/ how will i know when i've found the right guy?/ did you really like my writing?/ you always said you were proud of me, but were you really?/ v' Sarah Channah the rabbi says/ and i hear a ghastly howl follow/ it echoes in my mind as i look towards your mama/ she's not your mama anymore/ she's not my grammy anymore/ she is an ocean of despair and all that it encompasses/ blue eyes replaced by monsoons/ sirens struggle to be free of her grasp/ her anguish is enticing/ is she a siren?/ was that scream her song?/ well, now it is/ you begin to move/ no/ that is not you in there/ that is just flesh/ your fire lives in me/ i can feel it storming inside me/ each breath i take roaring it into existence/ the eyes are on me again/ oh/ i'm screaming/ i really don't want to say goodbye/ to the body that nourished me/ to the hands that held mine/ to the chin and chest you gave me/ i am my grammy's granddaughter/ i am a tempest/ G-d/ now kind eyes stare at mine/ rest in peace shatters me/ the shards that remain fall into a deep sleep/ where i r.i.p.